The Legend of Zelda: Mix Up
by Twilit Guardian
Summary: What happens when the Triforce Bearers literally run into eachother? Their pieces get switched. Now they've gotta fix things before the change is made permanent. Insanity ensues as they search for the cure with Sheik as their unfortunate, unwilling guide.
1. A Not So Final Battle

**Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda… I'll save the jokes for the story.**

**Note: This is based in Ocarina of Time's world, but there are elements of and references to the other games in it, including some from TP (sorry guys; no Midna).**

_**The Legend of Zelda: Mix Up**_

_**Chapter 1: A Not-So-Final Battle**_

The sun rode high, peaking straight above the land of Hyrule. Shadows were diminished to nearly nothing in the noonday light. Summer was in full swing with many a child playing happily in the fields and the occasional old person dropping from heat exhaustion in the markets. It was a peaceful time for a realm that was quite often enveloped in, or on the verge of being enveloped in darkness and evil, usually by the same few people—it could be argued that these few were in serious need of a career change, given their ineptitude at their current profession.

In any case, they had all been locked away in the confines of the Dark Realm, where they endured torture beyond imagining—namely being forced to watch hour after excruciating hour of the pseudo-Italian white trash that was the cast of _Jersey Shore_. Well… all but one. But four out of five villains is pretty good. As for who had escaped, ask any Hylian with more than half a Re-Dead's brain and they would tell you this: the Dark Lord, Ganondorf.

This they would say in a dull, fairly bored monotone of a voice. It was not so much that they didn't fear him as he was just so damn predictable. He _always_ came back and he _always_ brought someone along to fight the Hero first. After the first twelve times, most just started to ignore the whole thing… Which was probably why he'd taken his act to Holodrum and Labrynna for what good it did him. Even the old Gerudo witches, Twinrova, tended not to mind him anymore.

That would change soon. He was the Dark Lord, damn it. He would teach those worms the meaning of the word 'respect.' He would prove the power that he held, the cruelty in his heart. He would kill Link and Zelda and steal their Triforces. Then they'd see.

Now if only he could find where they were to meet for this final confrontation. See, he'd decided to skip the rigmarole of kidnapping the princess and sending Link on a long, drawn out quest involving roughly seven to nine dungeons, each of which held precisely the item he would need to defeat the monsters and Ganondorf's henchmen that resided therein.

No, not this time. He'd opted for a single battle. He would defeat the Hero—a deed that he had failed too many times to count—and then he would kill Zelda, whom he'd called along as a witness—yes, this defeated the purpose of a witness but he'd never won before so he wasn't sure how to celebrate. He guessed that killing someone was as good a way as any.

However, to do this he'd have to find their agreed rendezvous and—though he was Ganondorf, Lord of Darkness, Master of Evil, Bearer of the Triforce of Power, King of the Gerudo, and Seven-time Scrabble Champion—he could not read a map to save his life. He was the Dark Lord and all aforementioned titles, he had minions to do such menial tasks for him… or, rather, _had_ minions to do such menial tasks for him. Again, after twelve times his reputation had lost a bit of its luster. And now he was the lost Lord of Darkness, King of the Gerudo and so on.

This was actually quite the feat, getting lost, seeing as he was in Hyrule Field. This meaning, were he to look in any direction he would be able to see Death Mountain, the Gerudo Desert, Hyrule Castle, etc. Any of which he could have used to orient himself. He could also have simply asked directions from someone—he'd passed a farm, a mailman and a creepy wannabe fairy on his way—but, once more, he was the Lord of Darkness, King of the Gerudo and on. He was also a man—given that his titles were not 'Lady of Darkness' or 'Queen of the Gerudo'—and men do not ask for directions. Men get hopelessly lost and their wives ask for directions.

Ganondorf was unmarried.

He paused to check his map again—it should be noted that he was holding it sideways, but, hey, he was trying. Ganondorf's brow wrinkled as he considered the lines and names that were utterly meaningless to him—he also wondered why the labels were sideways but figured that the minds of mapmakers were beyond the understanding of one such as him. So absorbed was he in this fruitless task that he took no notice of the winged, glowing light that floated up behind him and peaked at his map. It quirked quizzically, quavering in a quiet, questioning way and quaintly quaffed from its quanta-sized quaich, temporarily quelling its queries. The 'quiet' part didn't last very long.

"HEY LISTEN!" it yelled, surprisingly loud and forceful for one so small.

Ganondorf gave a shout and fell over onto his backside. "What the Darknut? !"

"Are you lost?" the fairy asked.

He looked at it and held his chest, heart pounding painfully against his ribs as he tried to recover from the shock. "W-What? When did—? How did you…? Uh, no. No, I'm not lost. Lost is for mortals. I am Ganondorf, Lord of—"

"Yes, yes. I know all that."

He was astonished. "How?"

"Well aside from the fact that you villains introduce yourselves _every_ time you take over, as well as telling everyone all about your scheme, I was with Link the first eight times. Remember?" she asked hopefully. "Navi…? His faithful and ever so helpful companion? Ringing any bells, big guy?" She continued to look at him in anticipation, sure he would know her now.

"Er, yes," he said uncertainly. "Navi… you're the one who helped the Hero do… that thing… that one time… in that place… with that monster." Seeking escape from the awkward situation—he had no idea who this bothersome creature was nor did he really care—Ganondorf changed the topic, saying, "Erm, anyway, if you're here, that must mean that Link is close by."

"Nope. We split up a while ago. Something about me being too annoying or something. But who needs him anyway? HEY LISTEN! I know what to do!" she exclaimed abruptly (and more than a bit loudly), causing Ganondorf to fall on his behind again. "I'll travel with you! That'll show him!" The Dark Lord started to protest but Navi pressed on. "Is that where you're headed? That's easy! It's about a mile east from here." Ganondorf stared at her blankly. "This way," she said, moving right. "C'mon! Follow me!"

Half an hour later, Ganondorf arrived alone at the edge of Kokiri Forest, where the trees are not quite close enough, tall enough, or thick enough to be called a forest. But it would be impolite to poke fun at it for being only half-forest, so we'll just say it's a forest and leave it at that. This is also more convenient to write, so bear with this incongruity in narration.

Link and Zelda were already there, appearing bored beyond words.

It would probably be prudent to point out that the Dark Lord was, as described, alone. Navi was nowhere to be seen. Shortly after their meeting, he'd discovered why the Hero abandoned her. She never shut up. Ever. She went on and on about every little thing and, when she finally ran out of steam on one topic, she would stop only to start again on another seconds later with a cry of "HEY LISTEN!" If he didn't pay attention, she would go about shouting this over and over in his ear until he did. So, Ganondorf had picked up a convenient Empty Bottle—capitalized because it is a known and viable weapon for Heroes—stuffed her inside and chucked her and it into a nearby river. He'd walked on as her muffled "HEY LISTENS!" had faded into the distance, a content smile on his lips.

Their entire encounter had taken all of six minutes to play out in full. How Link had lasted several years with that… Ganondorf couldn't begin to guess.

"Jeez, Ganon, I was beginning to think you were to Cuccoo to show," Link commented off-handedly. He drew the Master Sword—he'd taken to carrying it around with him, tired of having to go through the trouble of going to get it in the Temple of Light or Sacred Grove. Just how it managed to move between the two he didn't know.

"You dare insult me? ! I am Ganondorf, Lord of—"

"Yes," Zelda cut in impatiently. "_We know_. You tell us every time we see you. Now, can we get on with this? Link and I have been waiting here for nearly four hours. Did you get lost or something?"

Ganondorf was taken aback by the second interruption of his introduction; giving a full account of your identity and goals was practically the cardinal rule of villainy. To have that sacred rite interrupted bordered heresy. He started again, shakily, "I-I do not get lost for I am Ga—"

"Oh, for the love of the Goddesses!" Link exclaimed and charged at the Dark Lord, refusing to give Ganondorf the chance to continue. Anything to escape that Goddess-damned rant. He knew it word-for-blasted-word. He swung at Ganondorf who dodged backward.

Zelda watched without actually paying attention. This wasn't the first time she'd played spectator to these two and it certainly wouldn't be the last. The battle raged on in its typical fashion. Ganondorf started off rather well, scoring several decent hits on Link with sword and magic. Then, the Hero would figure out his weakness, conveniently have the means to exploit it and make a comeback. The Dark Lord would then kick things up a notch and the process would begin anew.

Slowly, however, the battle was turning as more of Link's attacks got through and more of Ganondorf's were blocked. As they fought, their Triforces glowed on their hands, the combatants due to the strain of the fight, Zelda's due to her close proximity with the other active two. The top triangle was brightest on Ganondorf's hand, the left on the princess's, and the right on Link's hand.

Losing ground, Ganondorf pulled out his tried and true trick of sending an orb of magic at the Hero. He swung it away. It careened toward Zelda, who let out a slap of magic and hit it toward the Dark Lord. He set it back to Link. To the princess. To Ganondorf. To Link. And on, and on, and on. Rather like a game of tennis and just as exciting as it settled into a tedious and unbroken rhythm. Twenty minutes passed in this feeble parody of an already dull game before a mistake was made. All three now moved to strike the orb. All three missed. Their sudden lunges forward put them off balance and each fell upon the other. Their Triforce hands knocked together as they dropped.

They squirmed and shouted on the ground in a tangle of limbs and frustrated curses—a surprising number of which came from the Princess of Hyrule. Little known fact but there was the mouth of a short-tempered truck driver on that one.

After a good deal of kicking and elbowing, the Bearers were able to separate, much more bruised and battered than they had been when they'd fallen. Poor Ganondorf received the brunt of this, having had the misfortune of landing on Zelda. She'd not reacted very amiably to that. They scrambled to their feet and brushed themselves off.

"Alright," Link said, panting, "okay, where were we?"

"The middle of your 'final battle,'" Zelda supplied.

"Ah, yes. Well, c'mon, Ganon. Back to it." He reached for his sword. The princess looked for a place to sit; they could be a while yet.

"Hold on for a moment!" the Dark Lord cried. He rubbed a newly blackened eye. "I won't be able to see properly out of this! I call a foul on Zelda!"

"It's a battle," Link stated. "You can't call a foul."

"But she hit me in the eye!" he yelled, outraged.

"It's a _battle_!"

"Well, how am I supposed to fight with this?"

"What happened to the whole 'Ganondorf, Lord of Something or Other' speech that you were getting ready to spout off earlier?" Zelda asked.

"You hadn't viciously attacked me yet, you rabid hag!"

"_Hag? !_" Zelda leapt at Ganondorf, but Link held her back. The Dark Lord fell back against a tree of the forest (see how much easier it was to call it a forest?). Link pinched the bridged of his nose with one hand as he waited for the princess to calm down. This was getting them nowhere fast.

"Alright, alright. How about this? We'll pick things up in a week, okay? Your eye will be healed by then and Zelda, you'll have calmed by then—can I remind you that we need him to maintain the Balance? Anyway, are we all agreed?"

Ganondorf nodded. Zelda huffed out a yes and Link released her.

They split off, none noticing that the left triangle now sparkled clearest on Ganondorf's hand, the right on Zelda's hand, and the top triangle on Link's.

**Author's Note: And here we have my first attempts at being funny on Fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed it and got at least a chuckle or two out of it. Anyone follow who got what Triforce?**

**I should mention that this is based in OoT's world, but its not a direct parody on the game. It's more on Adventure/RPG games in general for all the things that we love about them that don't necessarily make any sense. The main characters being Sheik and Dark Link will be explained in a little while.**

**Tell me what you think! Was it funny, utterly terrible without a drop of humor, eh-ish? Read and Review!**

—**TG**


	2. Sorry, I Think There's Been Some Mistake

**Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda. I gots me a can opener, though.**

_**Chapter 2: Sorry, I Think There's Been Some Mistake; **_**I**_** Ordered the Wisdom**_

Three days after she witnessed Ganondorf and Link fail once again to end their rivalry, Zelda sat in a conference room, listening to various nobles and ambassadors recently returned from the Minish Kingdom. It was a simple meeting to discuss foreign affairs with a friendly nation. Also a somewhat creepily ever-present nation, considering the Minish all technically lived in Hyrule, just in spindles and hollow logs rather than houses. There's a thought: think you'd know if you had a stalker? What if they were a Minish? Would you know, then? They fit in your sewing supplies. Entire cities could exist in your coffee mug, a continent in your sock drawer. They could have wars over who gets to control the sink. Think about that for a while. Still believe you're all alone in your house? I think not. Chances are, at least five of the little creeps are staring at you right now.

In any case, the princess wasn't actually listening to any of the others. She was having trouble concentrating on any one thing just then. Adrenaline was pumping through her system and every particle of her being was awake with a surging, irrepressible energy. In other words, for those of you who didn't get the idea, she was rather excited. She wanted to run, to explore some forgotten dungeon in search of treasure, to kill some monsters and, more than anything, she had the inexplicable urge to find Ganondorf and beat him to a bloody pulp.

Given all of this, she was in no mood to sit around with these layabout aristocrats all day. Zelda had resolved to call an end to the meeting and go out to find Ganondorf—deals be damned but she _really_ wanted to kick him in the face—when a noblewomen, Lady Marienisalth Korquata Yphillys, said "… the Minish would like to request that we begin exporting some of our bricks to them so that they may build real houses instead of living in items of other peoples' homes and whatnot. In return they wish to offer to import some of their famous acorn tea and—"

"NO!" Zelda broke in, shouting.

The others in the room jumped, one—Ambassador Laquainth Alsheron Minniketh—actually falling from his chair. He hit his head on the way down and was knocked unconscious. No one noticed him though, startled as they were by Zelda's outburst. So he lay, bleeding on the floor, as the meeting continued. In their defense he was a fairly unlikable guy and it was an almost important matter they were dealing with. Somewhere between how best to clean stables and deciding what to do whenever Ganondorf rose up again... probably closer to the former.

"Uh, Your Highness?" asked Duke Narshirakimalon of the Plains of Cawdosjinian.

"We cannot accept this tyranny! We must fight for our freedom!" Zelda exclaimed. She stood and continued with deep passion, "I say we march against the Minish and show them that they may not trample upon Hyrule's honor! No matter what the cost, we shall defeat them! We will show them that may not threaten our freedom and our industry without harsh consequence! I will lead our troops into battle and win glory for this realm of ours! For Hyrule!"

Several of the attending began to weep at such an inspiring speech. Zelda was halfway out the door, going to ready the army for battle when Ambassador Reinesha Falthorin Ingleshinaa pointed out, "But, Your Highness… they didn't threaten us at all. They just want to open more trading relations with us."

Zelda paused, then returned to the table and plopped down on her seat, saying, "Oh. Well then… That's all right, I suppose. Hmm… yes. Um… What are the projected earnings of this?"

"This additional export should increase the revenue for the kingdom by point oh two percent overall." That came from Jeff Scott. He was the Secretary of the Hylian Treasury, which is to say he was from accounting.

"That's good, then. Let's go for it. That all?" Zelda asked. A murmur of affirmative. "Wonderful. Meeting's adjourned in that case. I'll see you all tomorrow." She left.

The others sat confused by what had just occurred, wondering if perhaps the princess had finally cracked under the pressure. Lord Michalmarveus Zeregelf Boraelein hoped this was so. He was next in line for the throne. Michalmarveus was pretty sure that if Zelda went insane, he'd get the crown. That, or Zelda would keep it and her titles and he would get a lovely French quiche as a consolation prize.

The nobles and ambassadors left after a time, still not taking any notice of Laquainth. He woke hours later extremely disoriented. He rubbed his sore head. _"Must've been one hell of a party last night,"_ he thought. He pulled his hand back and saw blood on it. He stared at it for a moment, then shrugged and lay down again. _"When in Rome…" _he thought before going back to sleep.

* * *

><p>Just as Zelda was beginning to feel the effects of the Triforce switch, so too was Ganondorf. He had become increasingly isolated—not hard as few wished to be around him lest they fall victim to the dreaded speech—and was taking to talking to himself. Furthermore when he spoke a faint, but distinctively British, accent could be detected in his voice.<p>

So it was that he sat in his new study pouring over his notes and plans, muttering to himself all the while. "Let me see… If I multiply by x and divide by twelve… then if I add an allowance of six percent… no, no, that's not right… Maybe it is multiply by y and add seven _then_ divide by twelve…" He continued to work his way through the calculations, step by step, scribbling down notes here and there but doing it out in his head for the most part. He was close. He could feel it. Just a little more and he would have it… "Yes! Eureka!" he yelled, the joy of discovery rushing through his veins along with quite a bit of caffeine—definitely more than healthy; he hadn't slept in several days.

Twinrova heard this exclamation and burst excitedly through the door.

"What is it Ganondorf? What have you found?" asked the blue witch, voice sounding like a very unhappy cockatoo being rubbed with sandpaper.

"Is it the solution to our little Hero problem?" inquired the witch of flames. She sounded marginally better… Think parakeet versus cockatoo. "A weapon of mass destruction perhaps? Or a spell capable of summoning a demon from the darkest bowels of the Dark Realm?"

As one, in a truly awful din—pun mildly intended—they said, "Don't keep us in the dark, Ganondorf. Come, tell us what you have discovered! What sinister machinations and evil deeds will it help us to think up and accomplish?"

"Why, I should think none of those things," he responded in an appalled tone. "What I have made here are the blueprints for a device that I hope will allow us to end hunger and poverty in Hyrule and, ultimately, the world."

"Wha…?" asked the red witch.

"I don't…" started the blue.

Ganondorf suppressed a thought that the Twinrova were not so bright as he had once thought. Maybe his multiple failures were not all his fault after all… "Look here," Ganondorf began, "by combining my magic with the seeds of these corn plants"—he gestured to some kernels scattered across his desk—"and then packing them together and using careful calculations to find the correct trajectory, I can—"

"What the Darknut does that have to do with killing the other Bearers?"

"Or taking over the realm?"

The Dark Lord did not see which witch asked which question—not that it mattered especially; they were pretty interchangeable as people. Thinking of witches, however, made him want a sandwich. So then he was hungry. And Ganondorf gets cranky when he's hungry. "Maybe I do not want to kill the Hero and princess. Maybe I believe that violence is barbaric and crude. Maybe it is time that you two stop trying to live vicariously through me and get your own lives, meaningless and unfulfilling as they may be, you overbearing occultists. I want to use the power of science and mathematics for the greater good of mankind. And maybe, if I am lucky, I will be the first to discover why it is that monsters explode on death and turn into rupees."

"That's all well and good, Ganny," said the ice witch. "Just do that after you kill the Link and enslave the human race."

"First, do not call me that name. I am not a child, you insolent, old Bublin. Second, I told you I do not want to kill him," Ganondorf replied firmly, adjusting the circular glasses he had taken to wearing. "Such things are below me."

The blue witch rounded on the red. "This is all your fault, you know. If you hadn't spoiled him with unlimited pillaging on his TEXT plan when he was a child, he might be more obedient now."*

"_My fault? !_ Who let him slaughter townsfolk whenever he pleased?"

Ganondorf watched the Twinrova as they—she? it?—argued. He raised an eyebrow at them, all arrogant intelligence and snobby disapproval. "Theoretically," he told them, interrupting a rude comment from the fire witch, "the two of you are actually two halves of the same being. Therefore, when you each blame the other, you are technically blaming yourself." He stopped, wondering silently, _"Yourselves? Yourself. Yourselves... is that even a word? Oh, never mind."_

They looked at him for a moment, speechless and trying to grasp the connection. The Dark Lord sighed, rolled his eyes, and left to make his sandwich. He hoped they still had some roasted Bulbo left over.

Floating in Ganondorf's study, the ice witch glanced at the red witch. "It's still your fault," she remarked.

* * *

><p>Now on to Link. The former Bearer of Courage had been followed by a series of strange events as he traveled the countryside, helping those in need and doing other Hero-type things. The first of these occurrences had been in Kakariko with a group of playing children. Their ball had bounced over to him. Link had scooped it up and thrown it back, shattering two of the ribs of the kid that had caught it. The Hero, not noticing, had continued on his way, whistling a merry tune as he went. Then there was that unfortunate incident with the Tektite and that old man—poor old guy never stood a chance—but the description of <em>that<em> is a little graphic so we'll just say it was a rather messy affair and move on.

There were a few others, each stranger than the last, but Link was completely oblivious to them all; just as his strength grew, his powers of perception shrunk.

And so we find the Hero. He was walking through Hyrule Field—he'd accidentally petted Epona to hard, rendering her incapable of carrying him, or indeed of walking, for a couple of months—on his way to visit his friends among the Kokiri. He was nearing the village when the sound of a child crying reached his ears. He immediately changed course to find its source, eventually coming across a small, familiar figure dressed in orange from its shoes to the pointy tip of its hat. It was standing forlornly in front of a tree.

"Hey, Skullkid," Link greeted, glancing from side to side as some odd music started playing. It always did when he was around the Skullkid. It was such a switch from the normal music that resounded through the land, day and night… But where did it all come from? And why did it change whenever he neared certain people or when he was fighting? How did the musicians know to change it? ...Who were the musicians? Brushing the matter aside for another time, Link asked, "What's the matter?"

Skullkid looked up at him, sniffling. "O-oh. Hey, Link. I'm f-fine. It's just that, that my cat is stuck in the tree and I can't get him down." This brought on a new wave of sobbing.

Link nodded and looked up. There was indeed a cat up there and it looked like there was something in its mouth. He paused, mind not so far gone that he couldn't see one small problem with the child's words. "Why don't you just fly up there and carry him down?"

"I c-can't. He has my m-magic h-horn," he wailed, voice cracking. "My horn gives me all my powers. Without it I'm just a normal, mischievous woodland creature-kid-skeleton... thing."

"I'll help you out," the Hero offered kindly.

"R-really?" Skullkid brightened. "Thank you so much!"

"Sure… Now just how to do it…" The gears in his head turning, Link looked back and forth, between the cat, the tree, and the ground. He still had enough presence of mind to notice that there were ample sturdy branches lining the sides of the tree but not enough to see the blaringly obvious solution to the problem, stemming from those branches. C'est la vie, right?

(Get it? 'Stemming'? And it's it's a tree which is a plant...? And plants have... I'll be quiet now.)

"Um… Link, y'know you could just climb up to the top of the tree," Skullkid commented. "I would but I'm sorta a demi-skeleton so no upper body muscle. No muscle at all, really."

Link didn't hear him, couldn't with how wrapped up he was with his own thoughts. Smoke was trailing from his ears—quite literally, I'm afraid; it was a disturbing sight for young Skullkid—as his newly stunted brain tried desperately to churn out an answer. Just as it seemed his head might explode due to a higher internal pressure than external pressure, as explained by universal gas laws as applied to constant temperatures and volumes, the Hero got an idea. Maybe instead of bringing the cat to the kid, he should bring the kid to the cat. He turned to Skullkid.

"Link…? Is there a, um… What're you doing?" he asked as Link stepped forward and lifted him by the shoulders.

Before the skeleton-child could inquire any further, Link launched him at the cat, like you would a bowling ball—if you were partial to throwing bowling balls through the air at unsuspecting felines—if so, that's wierd but it's your perogative and I won't judge. You probably should get some help, though.

He hit the branch it was on and kept going, taking the cat with him—Mr. Fluffy McSprinklewhiskers was his regrettable name. They steadily faded off into the distance.

Link watched until they were out of sight. He nodded once with satisfaction and a happiness that comes from helping another—yes, he'd failed miserably but he didn't know that and none of the witnessing, slightly traumatized woodland creatures felt the need to rain on his parade. Link walked on, ready to lend a helping hand to whoever might need it—Goddesses help whatever poor sap would.

* * *

><p>*TEXT—Totally Evil Xpectations Tutorials<p>

**Author's Note: And here we have Chapter 2. As always, I hope you liked it. I also hope you got a few laughs out of it. This was just to show how everyone was getting on with their new pieces, next I think I may just introduce another of the important characters. Anywho, the plot should begin to pick up and take form.**

**I apologize for my long absence I'll try not to let it happen. I probably won't be able to update as often as I used to on my other stories, but I'll try not to be gone for 4 or 6-ish months I was this time.**

**Before I talk your ear off, I'll just say thanks for reading and please Review!**

—**TG **


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